Deep Calls unto Deep, S.C.

Only the deepest things of God could fill the empty soul-searching of my sojourning. Although I had received and believed in the Lord Jesus Christ as my Savior when I was nine or ten years old, I did not know that Christ could be the only reality and meaning of my life. My search for self-expression and fulfillment began when I was six years old. At that time, my mother started to play Suzuki piano lesson records to put me to sleep instead of reading bedtime stories. The timbre of the piano, the leaping and skipping melodies and runs while sprinkled with moments of breathtaking silence had just the opposite effect of what was intended; the music captivated my imagination and filled my loneliness and emptiness with sounds in time and space, bringing me imaginative worlds of delight and amusement. Music was my world. It was the only world that I seemed to understand and the only avenue that seemed to accept me. Through music I found a most profound vehicle of self-expression and communication with the outside world.

After receiving the Lord, life continued with my pursuit of music as a means to fill that gap in me. I began to play the cello when I was twelve years old and found solace in a cruel and spiteful environment; and meaning in what seemed to be an absurd world. On one hand, music became a vehicle to express my joy, grief, success and achievement. On the other hand, I became chained and shackled to music like a slave.

In high school, I began to play in large semi-professional orchestras. I went on tour with the Oakland Youth Orchestra and the San Francisco Symphony Youth Orchestra, playing in famous music festivals and international competitions in Europe. Regardless of the excitement and success, I could never shake the feeling of emptiness within. I found myself sitting backstage one day looking at professional musicians who seemed content with their success, having fought to the top to win competitive positions to play in an internationally renown orchestra. Although they seemed to have everything, I could not help but ask, “Is that all? Is this what all the hours of seemingly endless rehearsals and hard work amounts to? Is this the end result of all the practicing to reach the top?” My search for fulfillment after high school brought me to a prestigious school, the Oberlin Conservatory of Music and Oberlin College. The wide spectrum of majors and professions seemed to intensify the cry deep within for something real. I decided to pursue a double degree in biology and cello performance with the view of going to medical school. However, behind the veneer of ambition, a question kept nagging me: “Will this satisfy you? Will being a successful medical doctor give you all that you really want?” Although I knew God was a real person and that He loved me, I couldn't seem to find Him anywhere. “What does God want me to do? What will really satisfy me?” I would often ask myself. Deep within I knew I could not be content with mere outward achievement and material success.

After graduating from college I moved back home where I thought I would find peace and rest. Instead, the questionings and turmoil only escalated. I was talking to a good friend who met with the church in Loraine she asked, “What about the Full-Time Training?” I had heard that the Full-Time Training was a training program in church service, character, and truth, but had decided that it wasn't for me. All the while my parents and friends frustrated me with questions concerning what I would do. The pressure made me desperate to pray for a job, and two days later two different job offers came! I was surprised that God did hear my prayers and would answer them so quickly. During the next year I stretched myself thin with a busy schedule and commute. I was relatively content but still felt that something was missing in my life, and that I was being enslaved and driven by money, the driving force behind the world. When I began to read The Economy of God by Witness Lee, with a friend, the dissatisfaction began to dissipate.

In May I went to a meeting of the church in Berkeley, which mainly consisted of seniors from the University of California at Berkeley. One girl stood up and testified that she was sure she had come to Berkeley to meet us all, that she was happy to be with us and that she was going to the Full-Time Training. After she sat down everyone peered at each other, wondering who would speak next. All of a sudden, it was as if a huge light shined right on me, and the Lord within me said, “Stand up and tell them you are going to the Full-Time Training!” I was shocked.

Just as the God of glory in all His brilliance appeared to Abraham in the midst of the idolatrous land of Ur of Chaldea (Acts 7:2), the God of glory appeared to call me. I didn't stand up to say anything because I began to reason with myself and with God. I still had hopes for myself and wasn't so willing to leave my job, my future and my past behind. Nevertheless, God would not let me go and two months later as I was considering staying on my job, the Lord spoke again and called me again saying “Is this what you really want to do? Is this the meaning of your life?”

The God of glory called me to pursue the deepest things of God. “But as it is written `Things which eye has not seen and ear has not heard and which have not come up in men's heart; things which God has prepared for those who love Him.' But to us, God has revealed them through the Spirit, for the Spirit searches all things even the depths of God.” Now in the Full-Time Training not only are the deep things of God being brought into me, but I am also being brought into the depths of God.

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